Ok, I feel like I have failed a little in my blogging as it has been a ridiculously long time since I last shared my thoughts. What can I say, other than that I have been caught up with life. I have recently caught up with a few people in my life though, who having been avid readers of my rants, have requested a new insert. One person particularly requested my thoughts on the topic of ready-made families, so here it is.
As usual, this is a topic close to my heart at the moment. As you know, I have two children of my own and therefore my aim in life is to bring those children up in an environment which is beneficial to them. Obviously my own happiness is also a priority but not at the expense of theirs. Firstly I would like to start with looking at the definition of family. I was brought up with two parents who were married to each other (and still are), one brother and one sister. This was the norm, particularly in church circles. But I don't feel like it is the norm anymore. Maybe this is because I am seeing life from the perspective of someone who has participated in creating a 'broken home' for my children or maybe it is because it is more common for families to not consist of the conventional setup. Maybe it is a bit of both. I think it is a very dangerous thing to expect a family to exist in a certain way. There are many reasons as to why a family develops into a different format and I have always believed that sometimes it is better for a family group to break up and reform differently than to struggle to stay together. One way a family breaks up, moves on or develops is simply when a child grows up and leaves home to start their own family. It is a healthy thing to do and trying to do the latter without being able to let go of the former prevents the development of a healthy relationship in the future. It is not always a case of relationship 'failure'. In my case I believe it was a case of 'personal strength' rather than a failure.
Anyway, family unit is only part of what I want to focus on. Ready-made families: These are the families that an unrelated person has to slot into. I am part of a ready-made family. There is me, my son and my daughter. My partner has had to accept all three of us as a package because I come with my children. My relationship with their father may not be as it was but at the same time I still have my children and so they don't just disappear with the end of my previous relationship. It is an ongoing challenge and juggling act to live in a situation where someone is trying to join the ready-made group. It's not just a challenge for him, but for all of us. My daughter seems to be the least effected but she's very young and she will have different struggles later on surrounding this topic. But for everyone else, it is a challenge. Thankfully, not an impossible one.
For my son, he misses his dad and so my partner sometimes gets the brunt of his bad moods when he has them. We all get the brunt of his bad moods but my partner gets most of it. For me, I have had to learn to share my children with him, just after I have had to learn to look after them by myself and for him, he has had to learn when to speak and when not to. I think he does an amazing job. I think he has endless patience with me and my children. He doesn't just sit back and leave the parenting to me, he's hands-on with parenting. He changes nappies and gets them dressed and tells them off and puts them on the naughty step. He cooks for them and feeds them and plays with them. All the things that I do, he is also willing to do. But that is because I have allowed him to and because I have told him that that is what he needs to do. How can we act as a unit, if my partner does not have equal parenting to me. It sounds so obvious but it is something that I have had to think about and also something which I see doesn't happen in many 'ready-made family' situations. My children need to grow up, showing my partner the same respect they need to show me. In the same way that they need to show respect to any person in authority over them (teachers, pastors, policemen etc) Therefore me and my partner work as a team together. My son particularly, resists this authority but because me and my partner have discussed it together, we work together and support each other. This means that we are on the same page and are able to create a stable environment for the children.
It is difficult sometimes. But I feel like it is the best way. My partner will never be my children's father but that doesn't mean that they won't grow up seeing him as their dad. I can't change genetics but this, I have an impact on. He is willing for that to be the case and I have an enormous amount of admiration for him because of that. Afterall, quite often the biggest struggle is patience. My son can sometimes be relentless in being annoying and I know that because he is biologically my child, I can tollerate far more from him than someone without the same kind of bond. But because I understand this I am able to give them both time to have a bit of space and most of the time my son adores him.
When it comes to God, I know that he understands. I believe that we can all choose whether or not to be part of God's family and likewise, although we can't choose who our biological parents/siblings are. We can choose who it is that we consider as our family. There is no definitive setup for a family. Family, for me are the people around me who I can turn to when I need them and who I can have fun with and make me smile. At the same time though I have a particular admiration for those people who take on a 'ready-made' family and make it their own. Everyone has 'baggage' but those people who love another's child as their own without favouring their own child over the ones biologically not theirs are certainly special people with enormous hearts. They need a little bit of extra appreciation as I believe they get very little. Potentially the difference they can make to a child's life is more significant than the difference anyone else could make. It's a partnership though and in order for a person to take on another's child, they need to feel like they are able to, allowed to and told that they should.
Thank you and well done Andrew for being such a big part of my children's lives.
As usual, this is a topic close to my heart at the moment. As you know, I have two children of my own and therefore my aim in life is to bring those children up in an environment which is beneficial to them. Obviously my own happiness is also a priority but not at the expense of theirs. Firstly I would like to start with looking at the definition of family. I was brought up with two parents who were married to each other (and still are), one brother and one sister. This was the norm, particularly in church circles. But I don't feel like it is the norm anymore. Maybe this is because I am seeing life from the perspective of someone who has participated in creating a 'broken home' for my children or maybe it is because it is more common for families to not consist of the conventional setup. Maybe it is a bit of both. I think it is a very dangerous thing to expect a family to exist in a certain way. There are many reasons as to why a family develops into a different format and I have always believed that sometimes it is better for a family group to break up and reform differently than to struggle to stay together. One way a family breaks up, moves on or develops is simply when a child grows up and leaves home to start their own family. It is a healthy thing to do and trying to do the latter without being able to let go of the former prevents the development of a healthy relationship in the future. It is not always a case of relationship 'failure'. In my case I believe it was a case of 'personal strength' rather than a failure.
Anyway, family unit is only part of what I want to focus on. Ready-made families: These are the families that an unrelated person has to slot into. I am part of a ready-made family. There is me, my son and my daughter. My partner has had to accept all three of us as a package because I come with my children. My relationship with their father may not be as it was but at the same time I still have my children and so they don't just disappear with the end of my previous relationship. It is an ongoing challenge and juggling act to live in a situation where someone is trying to join the ready-made group. It's not just a challenge for him, but for all of us. My daughter seems to be the least effected but she's very young and she will have different struggles later on surrounding this topic. But for everyone else, it is a challenge. Thankfully, not an impossible one.
For my son, he misses his dad and so my partner sometimes gets the brunt of his bad moods when he has them. We all get the brunt of his bad moods but my partner gets most of it. For me, I have had to learn to share my children with him, just after I have had to learn to look after them by myself and for him, he has had to learn when to speak and when not to. I think he does an amazing job. I think he has endless patience with me and my children. He doesn't just sit back and leave the parenting to me, he's hands-on with parenting. He changes nappies and gets them dressed and tells them off and puts them on the naughty step. He cooks for them and feeds them and plays with them. All the things that I do, he is also willing to do. But that is because I have allowed him to and because I have told him that that is what he needs to do. How can we act as a unit, if my partner does not have equal parenting to me. It sounds so obvious but it is something that I have had to think about and also something which I see doesn't happen in many 'ready-made family' situations. My children need to grow up, showing my partner the same respect they need to show me. In the same way that they need to show respect to any person in authority over them (teachers, pastors, policemen etc) Therefore me and my partner work as a team together. My son particularly, resists this authority but because me and my partner have discussed it together, we work together and support each other. This means that we are on the same page and are able to create a stable environment for the children.
It is difficult sometimes. But I feel like it is the best way. My partner will never be my children's father but that doesn't mean that they won't grow up seeing him as their dad. I can't change genetics but this, I have an impact on. He is willing for that to be the case and I have an enormous amount of admiration for him because of that. Afterall, quite often the biggest struggle is patience. My son can sometimes be relentless in being annoying and I know that because he is biologically my child, I can tollerate far more from him than someone without the same kind of bond. But because I understand this I am able to give them both time to have a bit of space and most of the time my son adores him.
When it comes to God, I know that he understands. I believe that we can all choose whether or not to be part of God's family and likewise, although we can't choose who our biological parents/siblings are. We can choose who it is that we consider as our family. There is no definitive setup for a family. Family, for me are the people around me who I can turn to when I need them and who I can have fun with and make me smile. At the same time though I have a particular admiration for those people who take on a 'ready-made' family and make it their own. Everyone has 'baggage' but those people who love another's child as their own without favouring their own child over the ones biologically not theirs are certainly special people with enormous hearts. They need a little bit of extra appreciation as I believe they get very little. Potentially the difference they can make to a child's life is more significant than the difference anyone else could make. It's a partnership though and in order for a person to take on another's child, they need to feel like they are able to, allowed to and told that they should.
Thank you and well done Andrew for being such a big part of my children's lives.
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