Ready-made families

Ok, I feel like I have failed a little in my blogging as it has been a ridiculously long time since I last shared my thoughts. What can I say, other than that I have been caught up with life. I have recently caught up with a few people in my life though, who having been avid readers of my rants, have requested a new insert. One person particularly requested my thoughts on the topic of ready-made families, so here it is.

As usual, this is a topic close to my heart at the moment. As you know, I have two children of my own and therefore my aim in life is to bring those children up in an environment which is beneficial to them. Obviously my own happiness is also a priority but not at the expense of theirs. Firstly I would like to start with looking at the definition of family. I was brought up with two parents who were married to each other (and still are), one brother and one sister. This was the norm, particularly in church circles. But I don't feel like it is the norm anymore. Maybe this is because I am seeing life from the perspective of someone who has participated in creating a 'broken home' for my children or maybe it is because it is more common for families to not consist of the conventional setup. Maybe it is a bit of both. I think it is a very dangerous thing to expect a family to exist in a certain way. There are many reasons as to why a family develops into a different format and I have always believed that sometimes it is better for a family group to break up and reform differently than to struggle to stay together. One way a family breaks up, moves on or develops is simply when a child grows up and leaves home to start their own family. It is a healthy thing to do and trying to do the latter without being able to let go of the former prevents the development of a healthy relationship in the future. It is not always a case of relationship 'failure'. In my case I believe it was a case of 'personal strength' rather than a failure.

Anyway, family unit is only part of what I want to focus on. Ready-made families: These are the families that an unrelated person has to slot into. I am part of a ready-made family. There is me, my son and my daughter. My partner has had to accept all three of us as a package because I come with my children. My relationship with their father may not be as it was but at the same time I still have my children and so they don't just disappear with the end of my previous relationship. It is an ongoing challenge and juggling act to live in a situation where someone is trying to join the ready-made group. It's not just a challenge for him, but for all of us. My daughter seems to be the least effected but she's very young and she will have different struggles later on surrounding this topic. But for everyone else, it is a challenge. Thankfully, not an impossible one.

For my son, he misses his dad and so my partner sometimes gets the brunt of his bad moods when he has them. We all get the brunt of his bad moods but my partner gets most of it. For me, I have had to learn to share my children with him, just after I have had to learn to look after them by myself and for him, he has had to learn when to speak and when not to. I think he does an amazing job. I think he has endless patience with me and my children. He doesn't just sit back and leave the parenting to me, he's hands-on with parenting. He changes nappies and gets them dressed and tells them off and puts them on the naughty step. He cooks for them and feeds them and plays with them. All the things that I do, he is also willing to do. But that is because I have allowed him to and because I have told him that that is what he needs to do. How can we act as a unit, if my partner does not have equal parenting to me. It sounds so obvious but it is something that I have had to think about and also something which I see doesn't happen in many 'ready-made family' situations. My children need to grow up, showing my partner the same respect they need to show me. In the same way that they need to show respect to any person in authority over them (teachers, pastors, policemen etc) Therefore me and my partner work as a team together. My son particularly, resists this authority but because me and my partner have discussed it together, we work together and support each other. This means that we are on the same page and are able to create a stable environment for the children.

It is difficult sometimes. But I feel like it is the best way. My partner will never be my children's father but that doesn't mean that they won't grow up seeing him as their dad. I can't change genetics but this, I have an impact on. He is willing for that to be the case and I have an enormous amount of admiration for him because of that. Afterall, quite often the biggest struggle is patience. My son can sometimes be relentless in being annoying and I know that because he is biologically my child, I can tollerate far more from him than someone without the same kind of bond. But because I understand this I am able to give them both time to have a bit of space and most of the time my son adores him.

When it comes to God, I know that he understands. I believe that we can all choose whether or not to be part of God's family and likewise, although we can't choose who our biological parents/siblings are. We can choose who it is that we consider as our family. There is no definitive setup for a family. Family, for me are the people around me who I can turn to when I need them and who I can have fun with and make me smile. At the same time though I have a particular admiration for those people who take on a 'ready-made' family and make it their own. Everyone has 'baggage' but those people who love another's child as their own without favouring their own child over the ones biologically not theirs are certainly special people with enormous hearts. They need a little bit of extra appreciation as I believe they get very little. Potentially the difference they can make to a child's life is more significant than the difference anyone else could make. It's a partnership though and in order for a person to take on another's child, they need to feel like they are able to, allowed to and told that they should.


Thank you and well done Andrew for being such a big part of my children's lives.

Gossip is rife

Ok, call me cynical if you like but this winds me up something CHRONIC. I feel like NOTHING in Christian circles is truely confidential. I can pour my heart out to a friend who is 'concerned' and the following Sunday I will have up to three unrelated people voicing their 'concerns' about my situation!!! Apparently we are all just one big happy family and so therefore my business is of concern to everyone around as I could do with some 'extra support' WHATEVER!!! It's just plain nosiness hidden as concern. It is a HUGE problem I have experienced in many churches and church environments and is it any wonder when in all my 21 years of being a Christian I can recall ONCE being warned/taught about gossip and that was only because there was reason to at that time (as a group). We are all taught about accountability but we are accountable to God and to the pastor, not anyone who chooses to walk through the doors on a Sunday.

Of course I don't mind people asking how I am, a simple "I'm fine" will satisfy the majority. I'm talking about the people who I would never normally talk to at all who approach me to have a heart-to-heart for no apparent reason whatsoever. As far as I am concerned the ONLY people who have any right to quiz me on my life is the pastor and his wife. If I choose to confide in someone then that person is chosen by me and it is with the understanding that they only discuss it with a few people who I am aware of. I do NOT expect to be quizzed by virtual strangers, to be given advice based on assumptions put together from a mis match of assumptions or to be expected to take or welcome such advice.

In this matter, I find non-Christians to be far more trustworthy and sensitive to another persons privacy than my fellow Christians. I do not understand a Christian's necessity in discussing confidential discussions with their partner. I don't see it as hiding something if they don't. When people confide in me, I listen, I advise as best I can and then I genuinely forget what was discussed. I rarely feel the need to share someone elses business at a prayer group or a leaders meeting and if I did, it should remain confidential to that meeting. Is this EVER taught in church??!! If it is I must have missed it every single time cos I have never been aware of any teaching along these lines. Nor is it explained at the beginning of any meeting that things discussed are confidential. It is assumed.

You know that people know it should be confidential though because when they come and talk to you on a Sunday they whisper and look over their shoulder, and they always start with "I hope you don't mind me saying but..." WELL I DO MIND. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!

TAGGED

This is the 4th picture from the 4th album on facebook. It's a picture of my two babies. They love each other dearly and both love being in photos. Both total posers as you can see. They don't even need to be instructed as to how to pose for a photo. If they see a camera coming out they demand to be in the photo and then love seeing the end result and they instantly drop whatever they've got for the opportunity to pose for a photo. They love it. This picture was taken in one of the many times when I just got the camera out when we were all at home for no other reason than I thought they were cute.

How much does size matter to you?

I am aware of many Christian friends of mine who love the BIG church vibe. There's always loads to do and friends are always around the corner for you to socialise with and chances are there will be a regular calender of social events related to church which you can all go out together to and have a great old time together. I am familiar with the buzz you get when you walk in on a Sunday morning and the floor is thumping before you get through the doors. It's exciting, it's fun and things always seem to happen in churches like that. After all they must be doing someting right to get all those people through the doors!!!?

Or are they??

There is no such thing as the perfect church and regardless of the size of the congregation or the hall or the bank balance, most of the time it is the same problems. So ask yourself how much the size of the church matters to you. What is it that you love about your church and do you love it because of the size. If you go to a church that is one of these massive churches, would you behave the same in a smaller church? Would you be jumping about, getting all enthusiastic, going up the front and sharing things and all that? Would you really? Or would a smaller church intimidate you? Do you know how to worship God without the amps and the drums? Can you feel close to God in the silence?

It works both ways too. If you are a person who goes to a small intimate church, do you love it because of it's size. Could you relax in a big church with everyone jumping about and going a bit mad? Would you go to the front for something in a church of a couple of hundred? Or would you cower at the back staring at everyone, afraid to move?

I realise that everyone has a comfort zone and we all get used to how we like to do things. Hense why regardless of the size of a church there is always an epidemic of pewitus (always sitting in the same spot). But I think that too much of either is actually detrimental to a person's growth and development. Ideally a person can praise God in any environment. Ideally a person can worship God in any environment. Lastly, ideally a person can equally praise and worship God in any environment. In this country we are lucky to have the facilities we have, even in the poorly equipped churches that I have been to. It is no wonder that for many, once we get home after church and we're on our own, we struggle to focus.

At the end of the day there needs to be a balance in order to have a balanced Christian life and faith. Church is not for taking relentlessly so that we can survive the week without God until the next booster on a Sunday. Church is also not for giving relentlessly so that we are never able to relax and focus on our own plight with God. Again, there needs to be a balance. Church is also not a quick fix for a tragic social life. How do you expect to lead those around you to Christ if you only have friends who go to church? As with everything in life, there needs to be a balance.

Healing

This has been another theme throughout my life. I grew up fairly ill and although I wasn't in and out of hospital, it was an ongoing thing which debilitated me extremely for periods of time. I was constantly told that God would heal me and I believed that. I remember going to lots of meetings and being prayed for lots and lots of times but no matter how many times I asked to be healed, truely believing that I would be I never seemed to see any results. So every time I got a little bit more disappointed.

When I was young I didn't give up but at the same time I always had a niggling question in my mind as to why I wasn't getting healed. Why was it that God would let me suffer? If he loved me why would he allow me to suffer? If he could heal me, why didn't he? If he didn't heal me, did that mean that the rest of the Bible wasn't true either?

I went through phases of believing different conclusions to this question and over the years I had a few conclusions offered to me too. I was told that I didn't have enough faith, but the Bible says you only need the faith of a mustard seed. I was told that some kind of demonic influence was holding me back but I honestly couldn't think of anything that I was doing which would have encouraged that.

At one point I concluded that God doesn't think I'm worth being healed, another was that he wanted to teach me something through my experiences. I thought that maybe God heals other people and not me. I even decided that I didn't want to be healed. My illness was all I knew and if I suddenly didn't have it then who on earth would I be?

Over the years this resulted in me losing faith in prayer. Not losing faith in God but in prayer. I'm sure God answers prayer. I know he listens. But I can't risk my heart getting set on something that doesn't happen.

I have since found that with my focus no longer being on what is not happening and on what is wrong with me, I feel more at peace with who I am. I have concentrated on the part of me that isn't a sick person and consequently I have noticed that slowly my body is recovering.

I will never say that I am healed because I have come to believe that healing is an ongoing process. Everyone needs healing even if they have nothing physically wrong with them. There are different types of healing. As I said, I will never said that I am healed. I enjoy how I can live now but I can't hope to be able to live like this in a few years time. I am aware as to how ill I can get at a moments notice but I enjoy the times when I can live normally and the more I do that, the longer the periods of time when I can do that appear to be.

A few years ago I decided that I would not be Rachel and sick Rachel, I am just Rachel. I am trying to focus on the dreams I have for the future, even if I am unable to fulfill them because of a relapse and I am aware of my need to restore my faith in prayer but at the same time I can't quite manage that yet.

It is a slow process but it is a constant contnual process and as long as that is the case, I'm happy. I still have a way to go but looking at how I was 10 tears ago, I can see that I have come a long way already even despite the relapses I've had in between. I can only hope that it continues.

I do feel though that some of the reactions I have had to this topic were incredibly unhelpful at best and devestating detrimental at worst. Words of encouragement or reason were critical and put pressure on me and consequently made me worse.

Weirdly I am glad of my illness as it has given me insight to things which most people are unable to relate to and although it is a struggle for me at times, it also has been of benefit to me. It is no longer my safety net. I know who I am with and without my illness but it is a part of me which I don't ever think will completely go away. That does not mean that God hasn't and isn't healing me. It also doesn't mean he won't. Like I said, EVERYBODY needs healing. Ask yourself honestly what it is that is holding you back from God? Ask him to heal you from that. Nobody has got it perfect but being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to be angry with God is the first step to allowing God to help you, the first step to healing.

Backslidden!!

I hate this phrase. I think it is a nasty filthy word. For those of you who don't know, this is a word used by Christians to describe someone who was once close to God but has failed in being a perfect Christian and so no longer feels particularly close to God. Personally I think it is a disgusting and accepted way for Christians to critisize each other. It is used to exclude people who were once friends and it is used to make people feel unworthy of existance, excluded from Christian society.

The God I know loves and welcomes everyone equally regardless of what they've done in the past or how long they've been going to church for. We are all struggling to get closer to God and there is no such thing as the perfect Christian. So putting a label on people considered not good enough is yet another way to divide the church and make people feel unwelcome.

Personally I think that the Chrisitans who 'backslide' are blessed more than the ones who don't because their faith has been tested and they've chosen to come back knowing that God is there for them. If you don't come back from sitting with the pigs then that is sad and if you never sit with the pigs in the first place then you don't know how to appreciate what you've got.

I know that I am less judgemental than some of the Christians around me because I am honest enough to admit to myself that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes. But it's not the mistakes made that matters, it's what you do about them. Do you wallow in self-pity and give up on God or do you accept you're not perfect and the consequences of whatever you've done and come back to God? Or do you delude yourself into thinking that you have the perfect relationship with God already? I don't believe there is anyone who hasn't at some point 'backslidden', whether or not they are honest enough with themselves to admit it is a different matter, and if you really think you haven't then how do you know your relationship is real?

Denominations and witnessing

I think that the use of denominations has been severely misused over the years, maybe always. I understand that a denominational name describes the way in which people worship. eg. methodists are methodical but when I say I am a Christian, I hate being asked What kind? What does it matter what kind? In my mind there are no kinds. A person is either a Christian or they are not. Is one denomiation better than another? I don't think so.

There does seem to be a bit of a status thing about which denomiational church you attend. People are either impressed or wary once you divulge that you go to an independant or pentecostal church and if you say you go to a more traditional church like anglican or united reformed then it is recieved with either a grunt or relief.

For non-Christians, this must be linked with the fear of suddenly being pushed into a theological discussion with an obvious point of trying to convert them. In my experience subtlty is not always a strong point in the 'nutty' pentecostals and I am sure this is due to contstantly being taught to make the most of every opportunity. I have rarely had practical advice from a pentecostal church about how to witness to people around me without ramming the Bible down their throat at every concievable opportunity.

At the other extreme more traditional churches seem to have next to no teaching on how to witness to people because they are so subtle and rightly practice witnessing by example, that the people around them are completely unaware that they are trying to witness at all and in many cases a large proportion of people simply don't witness at all.

In my mind there needs to be a balance of living what you believe and therefore witnessing through example to also not being afraid to bring up theological discussions when they arise and yet also not shoving it onto people who are not ready to listen. You need to keep on the ball, always looking for an opportunity but you also need to be sensitive to the bigger picture. For example, sometimes a person just needs a friend rather than a lecture.

For a person who is a Christian, regardless of how they worship and which denomination they attend this should be possible. Everyone has different areas of giftings and some need to stretch themselves more and others need to put the brakes on a tad. Everyone needs to work at it.

It is all pointless though if the church is unprepared for the needy, unchurched, undisciplined people to turn up. Alpha and just looking type courses are great and serve a purpose but not every person who braves it across the threshold of your church will come through that system. They may just walk off the street. Seriously, how would your church react to having a dirty scruffy roudy possibly drunk homeless person sat at the back unable to sit still? Would they really accept them? Would they really welcome them? If a church can't adapt to having children running around how will they accept an adult disrupting the proceedings. I was asked to leave a service one because people were watching my son crawl down the isle rather than listening to the sermon, would an adult also be asked to leave if they didn't conform to the normal expected behaviour?

Numbers of children in church are going down, I believe because churches are not prepared for children to come. Most churches are willing to provide a service for families and children but only if there are already children to provide for and if numbers are not satisfactory the creche or toddler group or kids club or holiday club gets scrapped. We need to set up projects without there already being people attending and when there is nobody there we need to pray that people come. We need to walk around the area you live praying as you go for the people who live there and don't come to you. Then when people start turning up you need to pray for them that they continue coming. Nothing happens without prayer. So why is church not filled with addicts, homeless people, drunks. Why is the church filled with well-behaved middle-class well-meaning people? Why is it that people do not feel able to come to church? It is because we are human and we do hesitate at the idea of greeting someone with a kiss when they obviously haven't had a bath in a long while. Secretly we don't want them to come too often because then we'd have to accept them. We want them to change and have what we have as long as we don't have to be around for the process of change. As long as we don't have to cope with the before state of a person. No wonder they aren't keen to turn up. Our friends or strangers who appear to be like us, no problem, the love is there. But these are the people who already know about God's love. We don't need to witness God's love to the people who already know about it, although it is easier and it is nice to be reassured of this.

It is the dirty, smelly, unpleseant, rude, criminal, lost people who need God's love. They are the people who don't know about him. They are the people who are going to suffer if you ignore them.

It is a sad thing to think about but when I was younger and was being encouraged to witness to friends I was at a lost because I didn't have friends who weren't already Christians. But this is no excuse. If you only socialise with Christians you are living in a bubble. There are plenty of people every day that you walk past without noticing them. Keep your eyes open. Ask God to keep your eyes open. Witnessing is not always about going in for the kill and it is not about blindly handing out tracts but it needs to be done and God will show you how if you ask him to. I know I always need to try harder with this.