Gossip is rife

Ok, call me cynical if you like but this winds me up something CHRONIC. I feel like NOTHING in Christian circles is truely confidential. I can pour my heart out to a friend who is 'concerned' and the following Sunday I will have up to three unrelated people voicing their 'concerns' about my situation!!! Apparently we are all just one big happy family and so therefore my business is of concern to everyone around as I could do with some 'extra support' WHATEVER!!! It's just plain nosiness hidden as concern. It is a HUGE problem I have experienced in many churches and church environments and is it any wonder when in all my 21 years of being a Christian I can recall ONCE being warned/taught about gossip and that was only because there was reason to at that time (as a group). We are all taught about accountability but we are accountable to God and to the pastor, not anyone who chooses to walk through the doors on a Sunday.

Of course I don't mind people asking how I am, a simple "I'm fine" will satisfy the majority. I'm talking about the people who I would never normally talk to at all who approach me to have a heart-to-heart for no apparent reason whatsoever. As far as I am concerned the ONLY people who have any right to quiz me on my life is the pastor and his wife. If I choose to confide in someone then that person is chosen by me and it is with the understanding that they only discuss it with a few people who I am aware of. I do NOT expect to be quizzed by virtual strangers, to be given advice based on assumptions put together from a mis match of assumptions or to be expected to take or welcome such advice.

In this matter, I find non-Christians to be far more trustworthy and sensitive to another persons privacy than my fellow Christians. I do not understand a Christian's necessity in discussing confidential discussions with their partner. I don't see it as hiding something if they don't. When people confide in me, I listen, I advise as best I can and then I genuinely forget what was discussed. I rarely feel the need to share someone elses business at a prayer group or a leaders meeting and if I did, it should remain confidential to that meeting. Is this EVER taught in church??!! If it is I must have missed it every single time cos I have never been aware of any teaching along these lines. Nor is it explained at the beginning of any meeting that things discussed are confidential. It is assumed.

You know that people know it should be confidential though because when they come and talk to you on a Sunday they whisper and look over their shoulder, and they always start with "I hope you don't mind me saying but..." WELL I DO MIND. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!

TAGGED

This is the 4th picture from the 4th album on facebook. It's a picture of my two babies. They love each other dearly and both love being in photos. Both total posers as you can see. They don't even need to be instructed as to how to pose for a photo. If they see a camera coming out they demand to be in the photo and then love seeing the end result and they instantly drop whatever they've got for the opportunity to pose for a photo. They love it. This picture was taken in one of the many times when I just got the camera out when we were all at home for no other reason than I thought they were cute.

How much does size matter to you?

I am aware of many Christian friends of mine who love the BIG church vibe. There's always loads to do and friends are always around the corner for you to socialise with and chances are there will be a regular calender of social events related to church which you can all go out together to and have a great old time together. I am familiar with the buzz you get when you walk in on a Sunday morning and the floor is thumping before you get through the doors. It's exciting, it's fun and things always seem to happen in churches like that. After all they must be doing someting right to get all those people through the doors!!!?

Or are they??

There is no such thing as the perfect church and regardless of the size of the congregation or the hall or the bank balance, most of the time it is the same problems. So ask yourself how much the size of the church matters to you. What is it that you love about your church and do you love it because of the size. If you go to a church that is one of these massive churches, would you behave the same in a smaller church? Would you be jumping about, getting all enthusiastic, going up the front and sharing things and all that? Would you really? Or would a smaller church intimidate you? Do you know how to worship God without the amps and the drums? Can you feel close to God in the silence?

It works both ways too. If you are a person who goes to a small intimate church, do you love it because of it's size. Could you relax in a big church with everyone jumping about and going a bit mad? Would you go to the front for something in a church of a couple of hundred? Or would you cower at the back staring at everyone, afraid to move?

I realise that everyone has a comfort zone and we all get used to how we like to do things. Hense why regardless of the size of a church there is always an epidemic of pewitus (always sitting in the same spot). But I think that too much of either is actually detrimental to a person's growth and development. Ideally a person can praise God in any environment. Ideally a person can worship God in any environment. Lastly, ideally a person can equally praise and worship God in any environment. In this country we are lucky to have the facilities we have, even in the poorly equipped churches that I have been to. It is no wonder that for many, once we get home after church and we're on our own, we struggle to focus.

At the end of the day there needs to be a balance in order to have a balanced Christian life and faith. Church is not for taking relentlessly so that we can survive the week without God until the next booster on a Sunday. Church is also not for giving relentlessly so that we are never able to relax and focus on our own plight with God. Again, there needs to be a balance. Church is also not a quick fix for a tragic social life. How do you expect to lead those around you to Christ if you only have friends who go to church? As with everything in life, there needs to be a balance.

Healing

This has been another theme throughout my life. I grew up fairly ill and although I wasn't in and out of hospital, it was an ongoing thing which debilitated me extremely for periods of time. I was constantly told that God would heal me and I believed that. I remember going to lots of meetings and being prayed for lots and lots of times but no matter how many times I asked to be healed, truely believing that I would be I never seemed to see any results. So every time I got a little bit more disappointed.

When I was young I didn't give up but at the same time I always had a niggling question in my mind as to why I wasn't getting healed. Why was it that God would let me suffer? If he loved me why would he allow me to suffer? If he could heal me, why didn't he? If he didn't heal me, did that mean that the rest of the Bible wasn't true either?

I went through phases of believing different conclusions to this question and over the years I had a few conclusions offered to me too. I was told that I didn't have enough faith, but the Bible says you only need the faith of a mustard seed. I was told that some kind of demonic influence was holding me back but I honestly couldn't think of anything that I was doing which would have encouraged that.

At one point I concluded that God doesn't think I'm worth being healed, another was that he wanted to teach me something through my experiences. I thought that maybe God heals other people and not me. I even decided that I didn't want to be healed. My illness was all I knew and if I suddenly didn't have it then who on earth would I be?

Over the years this resulted in me losing faith in prayer. Not losing faith in God but in prayer. I'm sure God answers prayer. I know he listens. But I can't risk my heart getting set on something that doesn't happen.

I have since found that with my focus no longer being on what is not happening and on what is wrong with me, I feel more at peace with who I am. I have concentrated on the part of me that isn't a sick person and consequently I have noticed that slowly my body is recovering.

I will never say that I am healed because I have come to believe that healing is an ongoing process. Everyone needs healing even if they have nothing physically wrong with them. There are different types of healing. As I said, I will never said that I am healed. I enjoy how I can live now but I can't hope to be able to live like this in a few years time. I am aware as to how ill I can get at a moments notice but I enjoy the times when I can live normally and the more I do that, the longer the periods of time when I can do that appear to be.

A few years ago I decided that I would not be Rachel and sick Rachel, I am just Rachel. I am trying to focus on the dreams I have for the future, even if I am unable to fulfill them because of a relapse and I am aware of my need to restore my faith in prayer but at the same time I can't quite manage that yet.

It is a slow process but it is a constant contnual process and as long as that is the case, I'm happy. I still have a way to go but looking at how I was 10 tears ago, I can see that I have come a long way already even despite the relapses I've had in between. I can only hope that it continues.

I do feel though that some of the reactions I have had to this topic were incredibly unhelpful at best and devestating detrimental at worst. Words of encouragement or reason were critical and put pressure on me and consequently made me worse.

Weirdly I am glad of my illness as it has given me insight to things which most people are unable to relate to and although it is a struggle for me at times, it also has been of benefit to me. It is no longer my safety net. I know who I am with and without my illness but it is a part of me which I don't ever think will completely go away. That does not mean that God hasn't and isn't healing me. It also doesn't mean he won't. Like I said, EVERYBODY needs healing. Ask yourself honestly what it is that is holding you back from God? Ask him to heal you from that. Nobody has got it perfect but being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to be angry with God is the first step to allowing God to help you, the first step to healing.

Backslidden!!

I hate this phrase. I think it is a nasty filthy word. For those of you who don't know, this is a word used by Christians to describe someone who was once close to God but has failed in being a perfect Christian and so no longer feels particularly close to God. Personally I think it is a disgusting and accepted way for Christians to critisize each other. It is used to exclude people who were once friends and it is used to make people feel unworthy of existance, excluded from Christian society.

The God I know loves and welcomes everyone equally regardless of what they've done in the past or how long they've been going to church for. We are all struggling to get closer to God and there is no such thing as the perfect Christian. So putting a label on people considered not good enough is yet another way to divide the church and make people feel unwelcome.

Personally I think that the Chrisitans who 'backslide' are blessed more than the ones who don't because their faith has been tested and they've chosen to come back knowing that God is there for them. If you don't come back from sitting with the pigs then that is sad and if you never sit with the pigs in the first place then you don't know how to appreciate what you've got.

I know that I am less judgemental than some of the Christians around me because I am honest enough to admit to myself that I am not perfect and that I have made mistakes. But it's not the mistakes made that matters, it's what you do about them. Do you wallow in self-pity and give up on God or do you accept you're not perfect and the consequences of whatever you've done and come back to God? Or do you delude yourself into thinking that you have the perfect relationship with God already? I don't believe there is anyone who hasn't at some point 'backslidden', whether or not they are honest enough with themselves to admit it is a different matter, and if you really think you haven't then how do you know your relationship is real?

Denominations and witnessing

I think that the use of denominations has been severely misused over the years, maybe always. I understand that a denominational name describes the way in which people worship. eg. methodists are methodical but when I say I am a Christian, I hate being asked What kind? What does it matter what kind? In my mind there are no kinds. A person is either a Christian or they are not. Is one denomiation better than another? I don't think so.

There does seem to be a bit of a status thing about which denomiational church you attend. People are either impressed or wary once you divulge that you go to an independant or pentecostal church and if you say you go to a more traditional church like anglican or united reformed then it is recieved with either a grunt or relief.

For non-Christians, this must be linked with the fear of suddenly being pushed into a theological discussion with an obvious point of trying to convert them. In my experience subtlty is not always a strong point in the 'nutty' pentecostals and I am sure this is due to contstantly being taught to make the most of every opportunity. I have rarely had practical advice from a pentecostal church about how to witness to people around me without ramming the Bible down their throat at every concievable opportunity.

At the other extreme more traditional churches seem to have next to no teaching on how to witness to people because they are so subtle and rightly practice witnessing by example, that the people around them are completely unaware that they are trying to witness at all and in many cases a large proportion of people simply don't witness at all.

In my mind there needs to be a balance of living what you believe and therefore witnessing through example to also not being afraid to bring up theological discussions when they arise and yet also not shoving it onto people who are not ready to listen. You need to keep on the ball, always looking for an opportunity but you also need to be sensitive to the bigger picture. For example, sometimes a person just needs a friend rather than a lecture.

For a person who is a Christian, regardless of how they worship and which denomination they attend this should be possible. Everyone has different areas of giftings and some need to stretch themselves more and others need to put the brakes on a tad. Everyone needs to work at it.

It is all pointless though if the church is unprepared for the needy, unchurched, undisciplined people to turn up. Alpha and just looking type courses are great and serve a purpose but not every person who braves it across the threshold of your church will come through that system. They may just walk off the street. Seriously, how would your church react to having a dirty scruffy roudy possibly drunk homeless person sat at the back unable to sit still? Would they really accept them? Would they really welcome them? If a church can't adapt to having children running around how will they accept an adult disrupting the proceedings. I was asked to leave a service one because people were watching my son crawl down the isle rather than listening to the sermon, would an adult also be asked to leave if they didn't conform to the normal expected behaviour?

Numbers of children in church are going down, I believe because churches are not prepared for children to come. Most churches are willing to provide a service for families and children but only if there are already children to provide for and if numbers are not satisfactory the creche or toddler group or kids club or holiday club gets scrapped. We need to set up projects without there already being people attending and when there is nobody there we need to pray that people come. We need to walk around the area you live praying as you go for the people who live there and don't come to you. Then when people start turning up you need to pray for them that they continue coming. Nothing happens without prayer. So why is church not filled with addicts, homeless people, drunks. Why is the church filled with well-behaved middle-class well-meaning people? Why is it that people do not feel able to come to church? It is because we are human and we do hesitate at the idea of greeting someone with a kiss when they obviously haven't had a bath in a long while. Secretly we don't want them to come too often because then we'd have to accept them. We want them to change and have what we have as long as we don't have to be around for the process of change. As long as we don't have to cope with the before state of a person. No wonder they aren't keen to turn up. Our friends or strangers who appear to be like us, no problem, the love is there. But these are the people who already know about God's love. We don't need to witness God's love to the people who already know about it, although it is easier and it is nice to be reassured of this.

It is the dirty, smelly, unpleseant, rude, criminal, lost people who need God's love. They are the people who don't know about him. They are the people who are going to suffer if you ignore them.

It is a sad thing to think about but when I was younger and was being encouraged to witness to friends I was at a lost because I didn't have friends who weren't already Christians. But this is no excuse. If you only socialise with Christians you are living in a bubble. There are plenty of people every day that you walk past without noticing them. Keep your eyes open. Ask God to keep your eyes open. Witnessing is not always about going in for the kill and it is not about blindly handing out tracts but it needs to be done and God will show you how if you ask him to. I know I always need to try harder with this.

Children vs Church

I haven't posted anything over the last week because this topic is quite a big one for me and it recently cropped up again for me but I wasn't sure how to go about writing my thoughts on the matter.

I say it cropped up again because children and church has been a continuous theme throughout my life in one way or another. I became a Christian when I was four. I say that because that was when I made a decision myself although my parents had always taken me to church from when I was born. Since then I feel like I have always had to fight for a child's rights in church. Initially it was my own. People didn't believe me when I said I became a Christian when I was four. They thought that I didn't understand what I was saying and a number of times this simple statement of mine was questioned to the point of one sunday school leader calling me a lier. Fot me it really was simple. The Bible said this is how it is and this is what I must do so that is what I wanted to do. When I wanted to get baptised this was also questioned as once again the adults around me found it hard to believe that I knew what I was talking about. I never understood what the problem was, it wasn't me making it so complicated. Had I waited until I was a teenager before I made any commitment, I wouldn't have. It still is that simple. I know that, and so it makes me really angry when children are not taken seriously in church. I now live a life where I am unable to seperate my faith from who I am. This week someone asked me if my faith helped me through something and I had to say that I didn't know because me and my faith are the same thing. I have listened to many testimonies over the years and many people talk in sermons too about remembering what you were like before you were a Christian. I can't do that and it always makes me feel like my testimony is not as good as someone elses because I can't make a direct comparison.

Well now I am in a position where I remember being a child in church and now I have children in church and sadly not much has changed. I am constantly being asked to make a choice between bringing my children and not bringing them. Not openly necessarily, but in the background there are always the people who would rather have children in church who always sit still and quiet. I believe that even now my faith is childlike and therefore I do see some things as being more simple than other people make them.

Today in creche I was teaching my children about God loving them and welcoming them and also about how Jesus said they should come to him. We are ALL children of God and the Bible talks about God wanting us to have a childlike faith. Therefore in my eyes it is the children who should be teaching the adults, not taken away and hidden. During worship and also in some sermons there seems to be a regular theme about having a childlike faith and wanting to be closer to God, free in Christ and yet rather than looking at the children in church for the example to follow, the children's faith is squashed and moulded into a replica of the adult's faith. Cold, complicated and unreal. My son is free. He is totally free. In church he is as free as he is in the park. I watch my son and for me, he is showing me how I should be in church. Forget chairs and waving arms about with feet set in concrete, we should all be running and laughing and jumping and spinning in circles. We should be collapsing on the floor from exhaustion, giggling into hysterics. So rather than trying to tame the untamable, we should all be untamable.

Many people have images in their head of people sitting round Jesus' feet listening to the wise things he was saying, but think about it: Do you really think that in reality children were sitting listening intently to what Jesus said? If you do I think you're incredibly naive. I imagine Jesus sitting surrounded by adults trying to listen above the noise of the children running around playing games and climbing in and out of Jesus' lap, fighting each other and being shhed, not because they should be shut up but because back in the day there were no mics.

If children don't feel welcome when they come to church, they won't come when they get a choice about coming. I shouldn't need to fight all the time for my children to be taught or for their right to be children. I shouldn't need to teach creche or sunday school but I do. Because I am now in the second church in two years where until I've forced people into doing something, nothing is done. I would love it if my children grew up, unable to seperate their faith from themselves but I know it isn't going to happen if I wait to teach them. They need to be taught now and they need to be welcomed into church, the same as everyone else. They have just as much right as anyone else to be there, possibly more.

Truth/Beliefs

So what IS the truth? Lots of people have different beliefs but they all believe they believe the truth so whether your an atheist or Christian or something else why is that YOUR beliefs are true and everyone elses are not? Agnostics confuse me a little because they believe in 'something' but they don't know what and if I was like that I would be trying to work out what the truth was rather than accepting that 'something' was out there.

Personally I think that for you to discover the truth, it has to be tested and examined and if it is the truth then you will come out of the tests with no room for doubts. It does say in the Bible that you shouldn't test God but it encourages us to seek out the truth and to ask God questions and see the answers to our questions. Seeking the truth is not testing God. Knowing what God is telling you and running away from it all the time is testing him. So, I would like to know, whatever you believe have you ever tested it?

Most people reckon that science and religion don't mix but I find there are many overlaps and so this may seem like too much of a scientific way of thinking afterall how do you test something which can't be proven in the conventional sence. I can tell you that it can be done. I am sure that what I believe IS the truth. Whether you agree or disagree with me is up to you but I can tell you that I believe it is the truth because I HAVE tested it (I've tested God too). Not necessarily intentionally. But I have. I was brought up going to church and some may feel that I have been brainwashed my beliefs from an early age and therefore of course I follow the same beliefs as I was brought up with. I feel that unfortunately this IS the case for many people. Afterall it is very hard for some people to grow up being told something is one way to then question it with any depth. In order to question something like that you may even need to go as far as to reject what you've always been taught for you to then possibly come back later agreeing with your upbringing.

It has always saddened me when I have spoken to people who hold such a strong belief in something and yet when you say to them WHY do you believe that? They don't really have an answer. Some might flounder a bit and come up with "Cos the Bible says so?" but for me the Bible is more than a book and if the Bible is more than just a book with lots of rules in it then you should be able to find a whole list of reasons why you believe something is true without it just being because the Bible said so or the pastor said so or my parents said so. So why is your beliefs true? Why do YOU believe what you believe? I think it's a very important question to ask yourself because if what you believe turns out to NOT be the truth and you had never questioned it then you've left it too late.

If your beliefs/faith are true then I believe that it will be reflected in how you behave. That doesn't mean that good people go to heaven and it doesn't mean that all Christians have a true faith. Many people say they are Christian but they don't have a true relationship with God and so they haven't really grasped what it means to be a Christian. If you truely are then it will be evident in how you behave. The fruits of the spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control are the ways in which our faith becomes evident to those around us. Everybody struggles with their faith but I fond that it is always helpful to question to yourself WHY you believe something. Afterall we are not puppets, we have free-will and so the consequences of what we choose to believe, for whatever reason lies with no-one but ourselves.

So what's in a name?

I have always believed that there is great importance to the meaning of a person's name. I don't believe that our parents choose our names but that God gives the name he wants to our parents, even if they don't realise it. My name, Rachel means Ewe as in female sheep and this has always been a source of annoyance to me as it prompts people into lots of jokes. Especially when I was with my ex who being a welshman also was the butt of many sheep jokes himself. Most of the time we both went along with the jokes even to the point of me suggesting we name our son Owen which means little lamb but that was where he drew the line.

To be honest I'm glad we didn't decide to go that way as it wouldn't have suited our son at all and like I said it has always irritated me that my name also holds this meaning. I know that Rachel was someone in the Bible who looked after the sheep and so this is why it has the link but the name does not mean shepherdess it means ewe. I have always had the image of sheep as being quite stupid animals. Stupid and boring. This is probably best illustrated in the film, Babe. Once again, sheep being used as an illustration of humour.

Since living in Wales, and yes therefore seeing a lot more sheep than I would normally, I have been thinking about this again and I see another side to it. Sheep are also a symbol of endurance and quiet strength. They are left in fields all winter getting on with their life of eating grass despite the freezing temperatures and biting wind. THAT has to be something which is to be admired and it is this image which I feel is quite appropriate.

My son's name means firery warrior and I can see an endless strength in him which would make him a good leader in the future and my daughter's name mean's heather which also is a symbol of endurance as well as beauty. I feel that these are both appropriate to their personalities and I look forward to seeing them grow into their names as they get older. I had another child too who's name means dark messenger from God and losing her has definitely resulted in me learning some tough lessons from God. I feel that her name was also given to her by God. After all, the Bible does say that God knows each of us by name and that he knows us from inside our mother's womb. Therefore it would make sence that he know's our name before our parents have chosen it. So what does your name mean and what does that mean to you?

New Year

I've never really understood New Year. I get the idea of reflecting the previous year and making plans for the future but in my experience this is not what happens. For most it seems to be a great excuse for a party and therefore in an attempt to forget everything about the previous year, yet another great excuse to get extremely drunk. It is sad that this is the case as we brits seem to react like that at every possible opportunity.

In one place where I previously worked this is exactly what everyone did everytime someone had a birthday, or started working there, was leaving, or had a baby. It had it's place because it had the positive impact that it felt like friends from work truely were friends as opposed to people you just got on with because you worked together but because of the high turn-over, mainly due to most employees being students, everyone had an excuse to have a party almost every week. When there was no excuse everyone arranged 24 hour drinking sessions starting at 11:00am and finishing the following day. Unfortunately this meant there were a few occasions when people turned up to work still drunk, many people got to know each other a bit too well and all the bickering that most friendships based on drink feature, spilled into the work place and at times made working almost impossible. You'd have thought that someone would have put their foot down but most of the people within management were also involved in this aspect of work life and so was unanable to enforce any sence of authority that they should have had. It was certainly a fun place to work and speaking as someone who has never had an interest in drinking myself into amnesia it also provided regular entertaining stories to discuss and yet never feature in.

My point in this little divulge is this: What makes New Year any different?? Surely the sober point is to reflect on how things went in the previous year and set yourself targets for the following year for you to develop into a better person and hopefully have a good time doing it. However, as I have been noticing in many of the comments my friends have made about New Year, people seem to be writing the previous year off as being awful and then hoping in some vague way that the next year is going to be better. How is the next year going to be better if you do nothing that is different?

Of course New Year tradition states that you should set yourself New Year resolutions but in my experience this is done very half heartedly and the most common resolutions seem to be things like:Do more exercise or Eat less chocolate, both resolutions which everyone knows few people maintain longer than a month, two weeks with proper effort.

So how about taking this seriously and ask yourself this: What is it that your friends like about you? and perhaps more importantly What is it that your friends DON'T like about you? Of course your friends will love you as you are now, after all they've put up with you over the last year but is it possible that they can love you more? Perhaps now is the time to look at the things people don't like about you and work out why you are like that and whether you can change that and make yourself happier. It is certainly a bigger challenge than not having too much chocolate or my favourite one I heard recently, not having anymore children.

For me, self-assessment is something I try to do regularly throughout the year and it means that I can see how things fit together and lead to the following things. So whereas some people who had been through similar things to me last year would just want to throw their year away as being awful, I can look at the tough times and see how they have prepared me for the great things ahead. Personally I am really looking forward to this year as being a year to remember. Not because last year was awful, there were may things about last year that were great, but because this year will be different. A new chapter to add to my life, as is every year.

Sibling Rivalry 2

As I said previously, I felt there was always a rivalry between my sister and I and now that I have two children of my own I am aware of the possiblilty of it developing in my children.

My son is a lot like I was. He is headstrong and full of life. He makes sure everyone knows when he shows up somewhere. He is adorable but energetic and far more grown up than his age would indicate. He is also caring and gentle and he does his best to look after his little sister. I can see that he loves her dearly.

My daughter reminds me more of my sister. She laps up the attention when she gets it but she loves watching life (mainly her brother) rushing around her. She is a thinker. and she resists change. She is driven to achieve but she's also cautious of the unknown and it has made some things with her more of a challenge than they were for her brother.

I can see that my son charges about in his own little world, occasionally pausing to check his sister is alright. Whereas my daughter can be overwhelmed by new experiences. I have never had worries about my son settling into being away from me when he starts school but I can already see that my daughter will find it harder. However I suspect that once they get there, my daughter will thrive whereas his impulsivness and energy could either be his making at school or his road to downfall. I hope it will be the former.

They are so different in these ways that I can see the chances for rivalry to develop are quite likely. I just hope they are able to work together, helping each other with their strengths and their weaknessess. There is no need for them to be a rival and so far they aren't but it is something I will be watching for.

Blogging and sibling rivalry

I was inspired to start up this blog. Not because I haven't tried to before, I have a number of times over the years to varying degrees of success. Never really sure why anybody would be interested in my ramblings but here I go again and perhaps people will read it, perhaps they won't. At the moment that is neither here nor there.

Anyway as I was saying, I was inspired to write this blog. My sister inspired me. Years ago she would probably have said that I was only starting it because she had and perhaps that would have had an element of truth to it as we were always brought up to do the same things. We were dressed the same, had the same friends and did the same things. We even went shopping without each other and bought the same things in the same shops on the same day in the same town. Sad? Not sure, maybe. We're not twins but people always likened us to twins. It did at times make it hard to do things without each other and it made us both very competitive. For me, I could never achieve anything without it being compared to how my sister had done in the same situation. For her, she always seemed to believe I was jealous of what she achieved. Either way it has resulted in us growing apart since we left home about eight years ago.

My sister has just started a blog and it struck me when I read it exactly how different we have become. My sister always knew what she wanted to become and in many ways she has achieved every one of her goals that I knew she had when we were young. She wanted to go to uni and she has, she wanted to work in the media and she is and she wanted to get married, and she has. She has always known the direction she wanted to take and has gone all out to get it.

I was never like that. I went with the flow of life, experiencing the different opportunities that came my way. I lived in Germany for a while and I spent a number of years working voluntarily in various areas of youthwork. I had the same upbringing as my sister but whereas she knew where she wanted to go from the age of 12, I finished school at 18 with no idea of what I wanted to do and feeling disappointed with what I hadn't already managed to achieve but had wanted to. I felt like a drifter and so I drifted and waited. I gave up with trying to compete with my sister because I could see that I couldn't win.

Since then, things haven't necessarily been easy. I have two children who keep me on my toes and since my son was born in 2006, everything I have done has been with him and his little sister in mind. I do not apologise for the decisions I have made and I don't regret any of them. In October I broke up with their father, the person I'd been with for four years and I feel the reasons I had for that were also for their benefit. Being with him taught me a lot about having confidence in my own decisions and having faith in my own abilities. Unless the reasons for ending a relationship change, I won't go back to one and whether we get back together or not is neither here nor there but I will say this. I will be forever grateful to him for reinstating my self-esteem and self-confidence and I hope we will always remain good friends. It is only since being with him that I have had the confidence to reassess what my dreams were and what they are now and to determine whether or not they are achievable. My children have given me the determination and motivation to try my best to get there and he has given me the self-confidence and self-esteem to even try.

I read my sister's blog and see that she has achieved a lot but she is still disappointed with some areas of her life. She struggles with things I have never struggled with and it is helpful for me to see this because it is now that I understand that we are two different individuals and I am not in competition with her. I don't need to be and I don't want to be.

She may see my life as being a failure. I don't care if she does because I know it's not. I know where my life is going now and I know I will get there and maybe if she achieves all the goals she has set herself, maybe in 10 years time we will both be in a similar place again.

I would like that.