This has been another theme throughout my life. I grew up fairly ill and although I wasn't in and out of hospital, it was an ongoing thing which debilitated me extremely for periods of time. I was constantly told that God would heal me and I believed that. I remember going to lots of meetings and being prayed for lots and lots of times but no matter how many times I asked to be healed, truely believing that I would be I never seemed to see any results. So every time I got a little bit more disappointed.
When I was young I didn't give up but at the same time I always had a niggling question in my mind as to why I wasn't getting healed. Why was it that God would let me suffer? If he loved me why would he allow me to suffer? If he could heal me, why didn't he? If he didn't heal me, did that mean that the rest of the Bible wasn't true either?
I went through phases of believing different conclusions to this question and over the years I had a few conclusions offered to me too. I was told that I didn't have enough faith, but the Bible says you only need the faith of a mustard seed. I was told that some kind of demonic influence was holding me back but I honestly couldn't think of anything that I was doing which would have encouraged that.
At one point I concluded that God doesn't think I'm worth being healed, another was that he wanted to teach me something through my experiences. I thought that maybe God heals other people and not me. I even decided that I didn't want to be healed. My illness was all I knew and if I suddenly didn't have it then who on earth would I be?
Over the years this resulted in me losing faith in prayer. Not losing faith in God but in prayer. I'm sure God answers prayer. I know he listens. But I can't risk my heart getting set on something that doesn't happen.
I have since found that with my focus no longer being on what is not happening and on what is wrong with me, I feel more at peace with who I am. I have concentrated on the part of me that isn't a sick person and consequently I have noticed that slowly my body is recovering.
I will never say that I am healed because I have come to believe that healing is an ongoing process. Everyone needs healing even if they have nothing physically wrong with them. There are different types of healing. As I said, I will never said that I am healed. I enjoy how I can live now but I can't hope to be able to live like this in a few years time. I am aware as to how ill I can get at a moments notice but I enjoy the times when I can live normally and the more I do that, the longer the periods of time when I can do that appear to be.
A few years ago I decided that I would not be Rachel and sick Rachel, I am just Rachel. I am trying to focus on the dreams I have for the future, even if I am unable to fulfill them because of a relapse and I am aware of my need to restore my faith in prayer but at the same time I can't quite manage that yet.
It is a slow process but it is a constant contnual process and as long as that is the case, I'm happy. I still have a way to go but looking at how I was 10 tears ago, I can see that I have come a long way already even despite the relapses I've had in between. I can only hope that it continues.
I do feel though that some of the reactions I have had to this topic were incredibly unhelpful at best and devestating detrimental at worst. Words of encouragement or reason were critical and put pressure on me and consequently made me worse.
Weirdly I am glad of my illness as it has given me insight to things which most people are unable to relate to and although it is a struggle for me at times, it also has been of benefit to me. It is no longer my safety net. I know who I am with and without my illness but it is a part of me which I don't ever think will completely go away. That does not mean that God hasn't and isn't healing me. It also doesn't mean he won't. Like I said, EVERYBODY needs healing. Ask yourself honestly what it is that is holding you back from God? Ask him to heal you from that. Nobody has got it perfect but being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to be angry with God is the first step to allowing God to help you, the first step to healing.
When I was young I didn't give up but at the same time I always had a niggling question in my mind as to why I wasn't getting healed. Why was it that God would let me suffer? If he loved me why would he allow me to suffer? If he could heal me, why didn't he? If he didn't heal me, did that mean that the rest of the Bible wasn't true either?
I went through phases of believing different conclusions to this question and over the years I had a few conclusions offered to me too. I was told that I didn't have enough faith, but the Bible says you only need the faith of a mustard seed. I was told that some kind of demonic influence was holding me back but I honestly couldn't think of anything that I was doing which would have encouraged that.
At one point I concluded that God doesn't think I'm worth being healed, another was that he wanted to teach me something through my experiences. I thought that maybe God heals other people and not me. I even decided that I didn't want to be healed. My illness was all I knew and if I suddenly didn't have it then who on earth would I be?
Over the years this resulted in me losing faith in prayer. Not losing faith in God but in prayer. I'm sure God answers prayer. I know he listens. But I can't risk my heart getting set on something that doesn't happen.
I have since found that with my focus no longer being on what is not happening and on what is wrong with me, I feel more at peace with who I am. I have concentrated on the part of me that isn't a sick person and consequently I have noticed that slowly my body is recovering.
I will never say that I am healed because I have come to believe that healing is an ongoing process. Everyone needs healing even if they have nothing physically wrong with them. There are different types of healing. As I said, I will never said that I am healed. I enjoy how I can live now but I can't hope to be able to live like this in a few years time. I am aware as to how ill I can get at a moments notice but I enjoy the times when I can live normally and the more I do that, the longer the periods of time when I can do that appear to be.
A few years ago I decided that I would not be Rachel and sick Rachel, I am just Rachel. I am trying to focus on the dreams I have for the future, even if I am unable to fulfill them because of a relapse and I am aware of my need to restore my faith in prayer but at the same time I can't quite manage that yet.
It is a slow process but it is a constant contnual process and as long as that is the case, I'm happy. I still have a way to go but looking at how I was 10 tears ago, I can see that I have come a long way already even despite the relapses I've had in between. I can only hope that it continues.
I do feel though that some of the reactions I have had to this topic were incredibly unhelpful at best and devestating detrimental at worst. Words of encouragement or reason were critical and put pressure on me and consequently made me worse.
Weirdly I am glad of my illness as it has given me insight to things which most people are unable to relate to and although it is a struggle for me at times, it also has been of benefit to me. It is no longer my safety net. I know who I am with and without my illness but it is a part of me which I don't ever think will completely go away. That does not mean that God hasn't and isn't healing me. It also doesn't mean he won't. Like I said, EVERYBODY needs healing. Ask yourself honestly what it is that is holding you back from God? Ask him to heal you from that. Nobody has got it perfect but being honest with yourself and allowing yourself to be angry with God is the first step to allowing God to help you, the first step to healing.
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