I was inspired to start up this blog. Not because I haven't tried to before, I have a number of times over the years to varying degrees of success. Never really sure why anybody would be interested in my ramblings but here I go again and perhaps people will read it, perhaps they won't. At the moment that is neither here nor there.
Anyway as I was saying, I was inspired to write this blog. My sister inspired me. Years ago she would probably have said that I was only starting it because she had and perhaps that would have had an element of truth to it as we were always brought up to do the same things. We were dressed the same, had the same friends and did the same things. We even went shopping without each other and bought the same things in the same shops on the same day in the same town. Sad? Not sure, maybe. We're not twins but people always likened us to twins. It did at times make it hard to do things without each other and it made us both very competitive. For me, I could never achieve anything without it being compared to how my sister had done in the same situation. For her, she always seemed to believe I was jealous of what she achieved. Either way it has resulted in us growing apart since we left home about eight years ago.
My sister has just started a blog and it struck me when I read it exactly how different we have become. My sister always knew what she wanted to become and in many ways she has achieved every one of her goals that I knew she had when we were young. She wanted to go to uni and she has, she wanted to work in the media and she is and she wanted to get married, and she has. She has always known the direction she wanted to take and has gone all out to get it.
I was never like that. I went with the flow of life, experiencing the different opportunities that came my way. I lived in Germany for a while and I spent a number of years working voluntarily in various areas of youthwork. I had the same upbringing as my sister but whereas she knew where she wanted to go from the age of 12, I finished school at 18 with no idea of what I wanted to do and feeling disappointed with what I hadn't already managed to achieve but had wanted to. I felt like a drifter and so I drifted and waited. I gave up with trying to compete with my sister because I could see that I couldn't win.
Since then, things haven't necessarily been easy. I have two children who keep me on my toes and since my son was born in 2006, everything I have done has been with him and his little sister in mind. I do not apologise for the decisions I have made and I don't regret any of them. In October I broke up with their father, the person I'd been with for four years and I feel the reasons I had for that were also for their benefit. Being with him taught me a lot about having confidence in my own decisions and having faith in my own abilities. Unless the reasons for ending a relationship change, I won't go back to one and whether we get back together or not is neither here nor there but I will say this. I will be forever grateful to him for reinstating my self-esteem and self-confidence and I hope we will always remain good friends. It is only since being with him that I have had the confidence to reassess what my dreams were and what they are now and to determine whether or not they are achievable. My children have given me the determination and motivation to try my best to get there and he has given me the self-confidence and self-esteem to even try.
I read my sister's blog and see that she has achieved a lot but she is still disappointed with some areas of her life. She struggles with things I have never struggled with and it is helpful for me to see this because it is now that I understand that we are two different individuals and I am not in competition with her. I don't need to be and I don't want to be.
She may see my life as being a failure. I don't care if she does because I know it's not. I know where my life is going now and I know I will get there and maybe if she achieves all the goals she has set herself, maybe in 10 years time we will both be in a similar place again.
I would like that.
Anyway as I was saying, I was inspired to write this blog. My sister inspired me. Years ago she would probably have said that I was only starting it because she had and perhaps that would have had an element of truth to it as we were always brought up to do the same things. We were dressed the same, had the same friends and did the same things. We even went shopping without each other and bought the same things in the same shops on the same day in the same town. Sad? Not sure, maybe. We're not twins but people always likened us to twins. It did at times make it hard to do things without each other and it made us both very competitive. For me, I could never achieve anything without it being compared to how my sister had done in the same situation. For her, she always seemed to believe I was jealous of what she achieved. Either way it has resulted in us growing apart since we left home about eight years ago.
My sister has just started a blog and it struck me when I read it exactly how different we have become. My sister always knew what she wanted to become and in many ways she has achieved every one of her goals that I knew she had when we were young. She wanted to go to uni and she has, she wanted to work in the media and she is and she wanted to get married, and she has. She has always known the direction she wanted to take and has gone all out to get it.
I was never like that. I went with the flow of life, experiencing the different opportunities that came my way. I lived in Germany for a while and I spent a number of years working voluntarily in various areas of youthwork. I had the same upbringing as my sister but whereas she knew where she wanted to go from the age of 12, I finished school at 18 with no idea of what I wanted to do and feeling disappointed with what I hadn't already managed to achieve but had wanted to. I felt like a drifter and so I drifted and waited. I gave up with trying to compete with my sister because I could see that I couldn't win.
Since then, things haven't necessarily been easy. I have two children who keep me on my toes and since my son was born in 2006, everything I have done has been with him and his little sister in mind. I do not apologise for the decisions I have made and I don't regret any of them. In October I broke up with their father, the person I'd been with for four years and I feel the reasons I had for that were also for their benefit. Being with him taught me a lot about having confidence in my own decisions and having faith in my own abilities. Unless the reasons for ending a relationship change, I won't go back to one and whether we get back together or not is neither here nor there but I will say this. I will be forever grateful to him for reinstating my self-esteem and self-confidence and I hope we will always remain good friends. It is only since being with him that I have had the confidence to reassess what my dreams were and what they are now and to determine whether or not they are achievable. My children have given me the determination and motivation to try my best to get there and he has given me the self-confidence and self-esteem to even try.
I read my sister's blog and see that she has achieved a lot but she is still disappointed with some areas of her life. She struggles with things I have never struggled with and it is helpful for me to see this because it is now that I understand that we are two different individuals and I am not in competition with her. I don't need to be and I don't want to be.
She may see my life as being a failure. I don't care if she does because I know it's not. I know where my life is going now and I know I will get there and maybe if she achieves all the goals she has set herself, maybe in 10 years time we will both be in a similar place again.
I would like that.
I don't think you're a failure, I think you're amazing and I really admire you for what you do. Thank you for your perspective. I look forward to more postings. :0)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you weren't offended
ReplyDelete